Busted by the Polizia in Italy

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Well, I wish I hadn't complained about the trip to Maranello, because the trip back was even worse... but at least I got a good story or 2 out of it.

After dining at Cavallino and farting around the museum, I set out back to my beachfront flat in Nice, France. I set the GPS to "shortest time" and figured it would be smooth sailing. WRONG!

The GPS information must be a decade out of date, and it sent me in circles... I MEAN: LITERALLY IN CIRCLES! Not cute little 10th of a mile circles, but big 15 mile circles. "Hey, haven't I been here before?".

If I heard "Make an authorized U Turn" once more I was about to lose my mind. So of course, I heard it again, "Make an authorized U-Turn", unfortunately this was directly before a toll booth. There were no cars around, and it was completely safe to do so, so I flipped a crazy-ivan and headed back for another version of the 15 mile trip to nowhere. ...at one point I burst out in laughter when I heard the lyrics on the radio "...right back where we started from". Holy crap!



Then the sick comedy increased, I got pulled over by the Polizia. They spoke almost no english. But they eventually made clear they wanted beer money, on the spot or they claimed they were going to seize the car.

"Follow us." "...ummm, ok." After 5 km or so we pull back over, and have the identical conversation. They let me know that Today's my lucky day: they're gonna do me a favor and let me go for 76 euros instead of seizing the car + charging me several thousand Euros, and according to some book they kept waving in my face, 6 months in jail(all this for an illegal U turn???). Um, gee, such a deal!

At no point was I nervous, they were doing the nervous act for me. They were young guys who were clearly shaking me down for money that was going to go straight into their pocket, and they seemed scared of being called out. I was friendly, polite, non-threatening. We smiled a lot and even laughed and joked around, but they still wanted money.

They were not openly confrontational. The closest they got to that was "If I [commit a violation] in United States, [I] must pay or go [to] Jail, yes? Why not you".

I decided to play along and see how this would play out rather than just forking the Euros over.

With patience and a lot of time I was able to communicate that I had only limited cash, and was using my employers American Express card for expenses and that I did not have a PIN for the AMEX. All of this was true, but I did not volunteer that I had another VISA, an ATM card, or that "my employer" is a company I own. I also actually had enough cash on me to cover the 76Euros, but was not going to volunteer that information either.

"You follow please!"

"Here I am following again". Where is this headed? This time while driving I remove all my other credit cards and all but 40Euros from my wallet and hide it in a suitcase. I call my friend Ed: "Ed, can you google what you're supposed to do when the Polizia are shaking you down for money? I remember reading about it in a travel guide but forget what to do".

He has a few laughs at my expense, texts me some phone numbers. "Where are they driving you?", he asks"

"To an ATM"

[uncontrolled laughter]

After driving 20 minutes we get to the ATM, I hang up on Ed, and I go in to make what I know will be [and want to be] a futile attempt to extract funds. I then invite one of the cops in to see that I'm trying. He looks disappointed but seems understanding and is becoming bored. He calls the bank tellers from inside over. He asks them if there is any way to get money out of the AMEX but they tell him there isn't. He's clearly flirting with them, and everyone is laughing and having a good time (mostly at my expense). I'm thinking: this is great, OMG, I'm going to get away with this charade... I'm going to get away for zero dollars!

Just then a blushing young teller who has been quietly smiling at me for 10 minutes emerges from the bank into the secured ATM closet area outside the bank. The cop tells me "She wants to pay for you". "Um, what?"

WTF?!??!?!?

"No no, please don't," I beg. That's very kind, but no, I can't accept it".

Oh no, she thinks she's doing the american boy a favor, but she's screwing up my charade. I can't believe what I'm seeing: She take the money out and hands it to the cop. I then gleaned from their conversation that the cop has just told her "You know he has a american girl, right?". She turns white, and all the other tellers start cackling with laughter (this time at her expense, for a change).

The cop rips up the ticket (I assume that's what it was), poses for a picture and is off to spend the teller's money.

As soon as he is gone, I break the news to my new italian fan. "Um, you are so sweet, and generous, but you ruined my plan sweetheart. I have the money, I just didn't want to pay it!" The roaring laughter returns to the hen-house...er, I mean--- BANK.



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